Email Response...

A good friend of mine emailed me to see how I'd been doing since she and I haven't talked in a long while. She lives in Texas so we rely on each other for emails to keep in touch. Anyway, because I didn't really want to write a blog today, I thought I'd share my email response to her with you all. Here it is:

Hi Lisa,

It was really good hearing from you. We've not talked in forever it seems. Ever since I got fired from that job back in October 2004, it seems you and I've drifted apart. Listen to me, lol. I sound like we were dating or something, lol. Anywho, we're all doing fine here. I'm talking to my dad (barely that is) once again, and Adam is a senior in school this coming school year. He's spending his last summer with my dad. He spent two weeks with my mom the first part of July. He's having a really good time, but his girlfriend really misses him. I love his girlfriend but gosh Lisa, she sure can eat! She's kinda chunky to go along with it. Her mom says she gets her eating "fetish" from her as she's just like her momma in that respect. When she comes over to visit Adam, not only do I cook for my family but have to make extra for her too. Then an hour or two later, while everyone else is full from dinner, she'll wander into the kitchen and get something else to eat too. She ate a half bag of family sized fish sticks a week ago when Adam was here temporarily between grandparents visits. I didn't mind that as they'd been in the freezer for months! LOL! Anyway, I'm still looking for work. STILL! After not being employed for going on three years this October and looking actively for a year and a half, I still haven't found anything yet. Not even a damned nibble! I have had only a handful (at best) of interviews. It's like I'm freaking cursed or something. It's hard to keep my spirits up and my depression at bay when it seems as if nobody, not even God wants me to work. It's gotten to Gary also. He's the only breadwinner in the family and yet he STILL won't blame me for not working. He keeps saying if it wasn't for Derek and my other family, I wouldn't have never had that breakdown where I had to be hospitalized in June of '04 and lost my job soon thereafter. He's my rock Lisa, but God help me I'd feel a lot less stressed and bad about the situation if he'd just shoot some damned blame MY WAY! But he refuses because he honestly doesn't feel it's any of my fault for losing my job, which it really wasn't...but still..you know how I feel don't you??!!?? Somebody has to! I have nobody to talk to about this at all. I tried starting a friendship with a wife of a friend of his from work and that didn't pan out at all. She just doesn't want to be friends with me. She said as much to her husband. How does that make one feel? It makes me feel like crap, scum....whatever else on the bottom of a shoe you can find. I wish I had someone here that could call my references and find out if someone is speaking ill of me, but I don't. Nobody should be but in these times, you just never know. Ok....I think I know why we stopped talking as much now. It's because I bitch in emails..I'm sure of it now.

Love ya,
Lillian

It's been how long?!?

It's been a while since my last post. I've been busy searching for work. I swear I don't know why I haven't been hired somewhere yet. I really feel I was cursed in a previous life and the curse followed me into this lifetime. My depression has worsened and so now my insomnia is back. I'm not taking anything for it though. Just for the depression only. Well, I haven't much else to say......

Summertime Blues...

So things have straightened out with my dad and Adam having him come over. Now though, I'm having second thoughts on him going to 'bama to stay w/my mom the first two weeks in July. What's the reason you're wondering? Well, nobody will know when he goes to my dad's that he's over there. But, when he's over mom's place, Derek will be calling bugging the shit out of mom, keeping her upset and then he'll know Adam is over there. I really wish I'd have listened to someone when I was pregnant with Derek and had given him up for adoption. He and his dad's family are the ones that put me in the hospital with a nervous breakdown in 2004. I feel another breakdown coming and with me not having a job, it'll make this one just the more worse for wear. I'm scared to be honest. Scared of having another breakdown. Because this time, I fear it'll lead to an attempted suicide. I just really feel, with the exception of Gary and maybe Adam at times....that nobody will give a shit if I died. Nobody will. Nobody will miss me. And everyone will be alot better without me here on earth. I can't take anymore of Derek's shit. Not again....I can't.....

Where's the Work?

I have been actively looking for employment for almost 2 years now. I get a few interviews, and then I'm avoided like the plague. I'm wondering why I haven't been hired yet. I have all the qualifications these people are looking for. Yet for some odd reason, I haven't been offered a job at all from anyone. WHY???!!!???!!!??? What the hell is wrong with me that nobody wants me? This doesn't fair well with a person who suffers from severe depression. Yes, I take medicine for it. No, I don't show it at all when on an interview. Then what the hell is the problem?!? This doesn't help my mentality any at all........

They Did What?!?!?

It's funny how bill collectors work. Especially the ones for the services you really can't do without. Take for instance our local water department. It's the only one around that we can use. They have no competition. Just like our local cable company and our local electric company. A bill got lost in the mail from them. I went ahead and did an online bill pay through my bank to pay it so it'd get to their office on time......or so I thought. This morning, I wake up to no damned water. I call the water department and they inform me that we've been cut off for nonpayment. I then tell them to check their records and the lady informed me that they got it this morning but the order was already given and someone in their department must have forgotten to stop the cut off order. She said we'd have to pay the disconnect fee anyway. I told her we'd just cut the damned water on ourselves and save them the trouble since she acted as if she didn't wanna help anyway. She said she'd waive the disconnect fee 'til next month....how fucking nice of her! This....over a damned $25.00 bill! And now we'll have to pay over $50 next month...even though we cut the water back on ourselves.....WITHOUT their help. I'm beginning to truly resent America and all the greedy bastard businesses out there!

Next Year On My Birthday...

This is when my mom says she'll try to visit with me again. Thing is, is I haven't seen her in almost two years because she's always busy when I have the gas money to drive down to see her which is an hour and a half away. If I'm alive on my birthday.....God willing.....we'll see.

Sum..Sum...Summertime!

My youngest child just became a Senior in high school. I couldn't be more proud of him! He wants to spend what will be his last chance most likely, a couple weeks with his grandpa, my father. I just got word that my dad's wife isn't over grieving for her son who died in an accident last year. Now, I'm not doubting she's still hurting. But in my own opinion, if she's grieving so much, then why is she going fishing and drinking all the time? Whatever. I also found out that my nephew will be going on a trip w/my dad to West Virginia to see family. My nephew is a few months older than my son and graduated high school this year. Now, my dad has to pass through our town to get to WVA. I don't for the life of me understand why he can't stop by here and get my son too. It'd keep my nephew company on the long trip there and back. Plus, it wouldn't be an inconvenience for my dad to do so. But, I see who the favorites of the family is...and it certainly isn't me or my kids. I feel like an outcast to be frank. Like none of my family gives a rats ass about me. Thank God above for my husband. For if it wasn't for him....I'd have done off with myself a long time ago. Welcome to my crappy world of family everybody! Family isn't all it's cracked up to be. The only one that even remotely acts at times like they care about me or my kids is my mom, God bless her sweet soul. She's the only family I care about on my side. The others can rot in hell for how they've treated me and my kids and husband.

Quick and Spicy Tomato Soup

This recipe is courtesy of Giada De Laurentiis from the Food Network. It's absolutely delicious! The recipe follows:

3 tablespoons olive oil

2 carrots, peeled and chopped

1 small onion, chopped

1 clove garlic, minced

1 (26-ounce) jar marinara sauce (recommended: San Marzano brand)

2 (14-ounce) cans chicken broth

1 (15-ounce) can cannellini beans, drained and rinsed

1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes

1/2 cup pastina pasta (or any small pasta)

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Warm the olive oil in a large soup pot over medium-high heat. Add the carrots, onion, and garlic and saute until soft, about 2 minutes. Add the jar of marinara sauce, chicken broth, cannellini beans, red pepper flakes, pasta, salt and pepper. Simmer for 10 minutes. Ladle into bowls and serve.

This serves 4-6 people.